No - News Day

Introduction

This is a little tailpiece and has nothing to do with buses, apples or trains.

Apparently, in the infancy of radio, the BBC decided one day that there was no news worth broadcasting, and so they had no nine o'clock bulletin that evening. In this news-ridden age, it is hard to imagine this happening, but just suppose it did. This piece attempts to capture the thoughts of a BBC newsreader faced with this situation. Of course, these pass through his head far more quickly than they can be spoken, and so you have to allow for that.

Incidentally, the piece was composed in almost total ignorance of procedures in a radio newsroom, and so it is pure fantasy.

No-News Day

Pip, pip, pip, pip, pip, peep.

BBC Radio News at two.
(Thinks)
I don't know what I'm going to do.
I haven't got a thing to read.
Oh, this is really all I need!

There isn't any news of wars,
And Parliament has passed no laws.
We haven't heard of any crime;
The trains are more or less on time.

The motorways and roads are clear,
The first time that's occurred this year.
No storms, no floods, no quakes, no coups;
We really don't have any news.

I'd better tell them something soon;
I can't stay quiet all afternoon;
The listeners will be getting bored.
Ah! Something's coming, thank the Lord.

I can't say this! But Heaven knows,
It's all I've got. Ah well, here goes!
(Clears throat)
The BBC regrets to say,
There isn't any news today.