Introduction
Now, I am interested in the history of railways, but I do not get on too well with the type of enthusiast who can tell you the boiler pressure and cylinder dimensions of every locomotive built at Swindon between 1846 and 1947. These are what I call the 'excessive enthusiasts' and this piece makes gentle fun of them.
It is written in the first person, but the speaker is not me. He is a fictitious enthusiast who was formerly obsessed with the Great Western Railway. However, something has happened which has changed his life fundamentally.
There are a number of technical terms, but you need not worry about these. They are just there for colour and many of them are types of locomotive. Perhaps I should mention that type 3031 is reckoned to be one of the most beautiful locomotives of the late 19th century. No example has survived, but there is a fine replica on display at Windsor and Eton Central station.
By the way, different enthusiasts have their own ways of speaking locomotive numbers. Some might say 'thirty-thirty-one', but our hero prefers 'three-O-three-one', because it reminds him of wheels going over a rail joint.
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Song of the Anorak
I didn't have girlfriends - you may find that strange -
But they never matched up to a Hall or a Grange.
Girls fuss about curtains and kitchens and things,
And they don't understand about Castles and Kings.
So when a girl saw me as suitable prey,
I'd make an excuse and slip quietly away.
I once took an interest in all kinds of locos,
From North Star and Ajax to Bo-Bos and Co-Cos.
My heartbeat would quicken, my scalp skin would tingle
At the thought of a Firefly or Gooch eight-foot single;
But that phase of my life is now over and done,
For I've fallen in love - with a 3031.
O 3031, my 3031,
To tell my devotion I've hardly begun.
With your copper-capped chimney and shiny brass dome,
I want to adopt you and take you back home.
There's a double-length garage in which you could stay,
And I'd polish your brasswork three times every day.
O 3031, O 3031,
My friends from the old days are no longer fun.
They want me to chat about cuttings and tunnels,
Or saddle tank locos with oddly shaped funnels,
Or clerestory coaches[see note], or speed record runs;
But I want to talk about - 3031s.
And when the day comes that I'm summoned on high,
To dwell by the great railway line in the sky,
I'll join my beloved and for her I'll care,
And all of eternity with her I'll share.
I'll polish her brass so she gleams in the sun,
And I'll stay evermore with my 3031.
Note: The word clerestory is pronounced thus: /ˈklɪəstɔːri/ KLEER-stor-ee. Some railway enthusiasts make a dreadful meal of it, but it is not specifically a railway expression - it is an architectural term. Above all, it is not an -ory word.
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